Badges

Jump to Comments

I recently determined that there are two kinds of people in the world: those who have experienced a painful breakup and those who have not. I’m not one for absolutes and I rarely advocate this type of black and white thinking, especially when it relates to the subjectivity of emotion, but in the case of breakups I believe an exception should be made.

To begin, just ask an acquaintance, “have you ever been through a terrible breakup?” You are unlikely to hear anything other than “yes” or “no.” It’s simply not a topic people discuss with ambivalence.

They rarely pause and say, “Well, give me a moment here. There was that one guy I dated for years, we lived together, our families became close, we talked about the future. But no, we ended things quite amicably.” Likewise, they do not say “I met this guy on the subway. The chemistry was lacking so we ended it after a month. But now that I think about it, it was dreadful. In fact it was so painful that I can’t talk about it right now. Excuse me.”

It is entirely plausible that to some people a relationship of a month’s duration or less can have a very powerful, enduring impression, but even under these circumstances (and sometimes especially under these circumstances) the survivor will not hesitate to convey the deep sadness that accompanied the split. It is also possible that the two people involved may have entirely opposing views of the nature of the breakup. One person’s crisis is another’s epiphany.

So while the perception of what constitutes a “bad breakup” can vary from person to person, there is very little conflict within the individual herself as to whether or not she’s been through it. The more important question is whether or not being a survivor (or victim–your pick) of heart break distinguishes this group in any meaningful way from “the others.”

Put simply, is there any advantage to experiencing a difficult split from a partner? Are “the others” simply lucky or are they missing out?

These “others” are a motley crew themselves. To start, they include the lucky in love–those who got it right on their first try or at the very least managed to avoid a toxic split prior to settling down. Then there are the unlucky in love–those who have never dated at all or have never been in a relationship serious enough to result in a serious breakup (this group, while exempt from the pain of losing love, have a set of problems equally if not more challenging).

There are also the serial daters who leap from relationship to relationship before things go south, and their subspecies, those who are habitually looking to trade up, comforting themselves with the knowledge they found someone better. Finally there are the pathological optimists who have also never had a bad day. Do not trust these people. It’s possible they were born without a soul. Rumor has it one in 1,000 people are.

I do not belong to “the others.” They are not “my people.” Were I to construct a personal narrative about my life thus far, there would likely be several chapters devoted to messy break-ups stretching from age sixteen to twenty-five. Due to empathetic coddling during these phases, I was under the mistaken impression that “we’ve all been there” and “everybody goes through it.”

Now in my late-twenties I have met several married couples who claim to have escaped love’s terrifying roller coaster. I am well aware that life is not fair, but some part of me is compelled to believe that these people are missing a crucial human experience, albeit one of anger, abandonment and anguish.

If only to maintain my sanity, I hold that a difficult breakup is like a badge, entitling the wearer to whatever special brand of wisdom and strength has followed in its wake. My most recent break-up forced me to learn not only how to be alone, but how to embrace it. Beat that. Right out of the self-help aisle.

But beyond all of the stuff about personal growth, I have to wonder: what must it be like to listen to all of that melancholy music about heartache and not truly grasp its meaning? To not perceive it as an echo, articulating those thoughts and feelings so tender, deep and personal that we can fleetingly recognize the “self” within us?

But most likely those of us who have endured heartbreak won’t ever know exactly what we’ve gained from it, nor will “the others” ever know what the missed experience has cost them. In truth, a painful breakup is only one of many badges. There are also those of injury, abuse, addiction, illness, loss of loved ones, depression, loneliness. Each allows us to peer a little closer into life’s darker corners.

It’s never easy, but sometimes we learn to love more, tolerate more, accept more. We take less for granted. Values and priorities become more sharply defined. We give less energy to anger and more to forgiveness. Life and its joys become just a little richer. In the end, the kind of person we are is less dependent on the hardship we’ve endured than what we do with it.

1 Comment

Filed under One More Time, With Feeling